mind the gap

awakening lies in the space between your feelings and reactions

If I’m being brutally honest, during my periods of deepest existential suffering, I’ve made things a whole lot worse for myself by being completely unable to put even a millimeter of space between my thoughts and feelings and my reactions to them.

^ me, turning every setback or word from someone into a huge f*cking deal. ^

The human contract seems to go something like this:

People will hurt us. We will hurt others.

We're almost guaranteed to have our hearts broken—likely multiple times—and we might break a few in return.

We’ll lose jobs. We’ll lose friendships.

We’ll fuck up and say the wrong thing. A lot.

Our bodies will go through various stages of breakdown and repair.

All of this is unavoidable.

Yet, I managed to exacerbate the pain of this inevitable human drama even further throughout my adolescence and early twenties.

The main issue?

A complete lack of introspection and self-awareness.

me @ myself. always.

I was like a bull in a china shop.

I’d hear something, read something, or receive a certain look, and instantly, I was the victim being prosecuted.

I was the one those girls were gossiping about.

I interpreted a certain glance as if they despised me.

I couldn’t just stand idly by in the face of such treatment, right? I had to react.

Me.
Me.
Me.

It’s exhausting feeling the constant need to have the last word. I didn’t understand that I didn’t always have to add my two cents to every conversation.

I was oblivious to how powerful the pause between stimulus and response truly is.

I was unaware that this pause was the key to spiritual awakening. The missing element to stepping into my own power.

Why?

Because I was too consumed by constantly reacting to see it.

This space between our thoughts and reactions isn't about physical distance; it's about a momentary pause, a breath of awareness that we can introduce amidst the relentless stream of thoughts and the impulsive reactions they often trigger.

For me, these impulsive and often self-sabotaging reactions created a domino effect. It’s like I was always left puzzled, asking myself,

“What the hell came over me???”

Then the realization hit. It wasn’t about what was coming over me, it was about what was coming up from within me.

In these moments, we’re not even consciously choosing the kind of person we want to be.

Our shadow material is choosing for us.

Our actions and choices create our external reality, so allowing the lowest and most unconscious version of ourselves to run the show is a really scary place to be.

Realizing how little control I had over my reactions and the cascading effects this lack of control had on my life was a huge wake-up call.

I needed to find the space between.

I understood that while suffering couldn’t be completely avoided in this space, it could be mitigated—not by changing or suppressing my thoughts or feelings, but by altering how I engaged with them.

My suffering didn't lie in the thoughts or feelings themselves— it was rooted in my immediate, unexamined reactions to them.

the pieces finally falling into place in my stubborn ass brain

The Wisdom of Jac O'Keeffe

Recently, I’ve come across the work of spiritual teacher Jac O’Keeffe. In an age where constant activity and noise are the norm, Jac's teachings (which draw upon universal ancient wisdom) remind us of the profound peace and understanding that come from simply being.

Being with our thoughts, our feelings, and the spaces in between.

Jac's perspective is vital for our current times, where the ability to sit within the silence and truly choose our responses is not just a luxury, but a necessity. It's about cultivating an inner spaciousness that allows us to meet life with grace, wisdom, and resilience.

Jac's teachings guide us back to ourselves, to the inner stillness that she believes is both our origin and our destination.

The Two Paths to Awakening

In my studies of O’Keeffe’s work, I came across a diagram that conveys perfectly the power in putting conscious space between our thoughts and reactions.

You know how sometimes you see a concept illustrated in a way where things just click into place in a flash of insight?

That’s what happened when I came across this graphic.

Here it is:

This diagram lays out the profound shift that introspection and conscious choice can bring to our spiritual and psychological development. It’s a visual representation of what happens when we can create that elusive space between our thoughts and feelings and our reactions to them.

Let’s take a deeper and more granular dive into the profound truths this graphic conveys:

Conscious and Unconscious Mind: The diagram indicates a distinction between the conscious and unconscious aspects of the mind. The unconscious mind is depicted as the source of the next thought, suggesting that much of our mental activity stems from a deeper, often inaccessible part of our psyche that we are not typically conscious of.

We don’t want our unconscious driving our words and reactions. We must take its wisdom into account, but only through the light of our conscious awareness. That’s the key. At this point, it is our Higher Self in control of our metaphorical chariot, not the spooked horses haphazardly dragging it to its next destination.

taking the seat of your higher awareness

The Flow of Thoughts: The diagram also shows a continuous stream of thoughts, one leading to the next, highlighting the incessant activity of the mind. Thoughts will never stop. They’re constantly flowing out of the subconscious. However, it is up to us to decide which ones we want to take action on.

The Gap Between Thoughts: Notably, there is a reference to a "gap" between two thoughts in the diagram. This gap represents what we’ve been discussing here: that pivotal moment of potential awareness or stillness, a pause where pure consciousness can be experienced without the distraction of mental chatter.

It is in this space that many mystics of various spiritual traditions believed an ‘enlightened’ or ‘awakened’ state could be experienced. Most of us spend so much time in a state of nervous system dysregulation that we never allow ourselves to experience that space. Worse still, most of us aren’t even aware that this space exists at all.

Direct Path vs. Progressive Path: In the diagram, you’ll notice that two distinct paths are depicted –

• The Direct Path suggests placing attention directly at the source of the next thought or within the gap between thoughts. This approach emphasizes immediate and direct realization of one's true nature beyond the mind.

• The Progressive Path involves observing thoughts without judgment, implying a more gradual approach to awakening through mindfulness and detached observation.

What I love most about the diagram is that either path tends to lead to the same a-ha moments and spiritual realizations. The awakening process is like one big labyrinth that always leads to the center, the approach you take can vary.

Labyrinth of the Chartres Cathedral in France. (Sylvain Sonnet/Corbis)

Observing Without Judgment: This point of the diagram emphasizes the importance of non-judgmental awareness as a means to spiritual awakening. It's about witnessing the thoughts and mental processes with detachment, allowing for a clearer understanding of the mind's nature.

When I think of how much time in my one-and-precious life I’ve wasted spinning out in toxic ruminating thought spirals, it makes me want to reach out and hug that past version of myself. I wish I could have understood earlier that I could instead watch my thoughts go by like sticks floating on a river. Acknowledging them, allowing them to be there, but not letting them distract me from the beauty of the whole picture and its ever-changing nature.

Rest at the Source of the Next Thought: Near the bottom of the diagram, we see the following phrase:

"Rest at the source of the next thought. That's all."

This simple statement encapsulates the essence of the teaching. It encourages us to remain in the state of pure awareness, from which thoughts arise, without getting caught up in the content of the thoughts themselves.

If there was ever a mantra to write down in your notes app, screenshot, and set as your iPhone background, this is it.

Wisdom of the Ancients

As loyal listeners of my podcast already know, diving into self-guided study of various spiritual traditions, esoteric teachings, mythology, and depth psychology have been the major keys in my journey toward wholeness.

The transformation I’ve witnessed within myself through the exploration of this knowledge has created more profound change than anything I experienced seeking mental health treatment in the biomedical-model obsessed systems available to me in the West.

The concept of creating space between emotions and reactions is often central to many paths of self-mastery and enlightenment.

Here are some perspectives from various spiritual, esoteric, mythological, and depth-psychological traditions:

Buddhism: In Buddhism, there is a strong emphasis on mindfulness (sati) and awareness (sampajañña) as tools for observing emotions without immediately reacting to them. The practice of meditation is used to cultivate the "watcher" or the "observer" within, which allows one to witness emotions as they arise and pass without attachment, often referred to as developing equanimity.

Stoicism: The Stoics taught the importance of apatheia, a state of being undisturbed by passion. They believed in using reason to prevent becoming slaves to emotions, thus creating a space between feeling and action. The Stoic practice of prosoche, or focused attention, aids in maintaining awareness and control over one's responses.

Hinduism and Yoga: The Bhagavad Gita discusses the concept of detachment (vairagya) and emphasizes the importance of acting without attachment to the results (karma yoga). This philosophy encourages one to perform actions as duty without emotional entanglement. In yoga, the practice of pratyahara involves withdrawing the senses from external objects to create a space for internal reflection and calmness.

Christian Mysticism: The practice of contemplation in Christian mysticism aims to reach a state of divine union where the soul can observe its own existence separate from immediate emotional reactions. The Desert Fathers, early Christian hermits, practiced stillness (hesychasm) to find God in the silence beyond their emotions.

Sufism: Sufi practices involve turning inward to find the Divine within the heart. Through dhikr (remembrance of God), Sufis aim to transcend the ego and its impulsive reactions, cultivating a state of heart where one can respond from a place of divine love rather than from fleeting emotions.

Taoism: In Taoism, wu-wei or ‘non-action’ is the principle of aligning with the natural flow of life. It's about allowing things to unfold without forcing or reacting impulsively, maintaining inner tranquility amidst the ebb and flow of emotions.

Jungian Psychology: Carl Jung's concept of individuation involves integrating the unconscious with the conscious mind, often through the exploration of dreams and myths. By acknowledging and understanding one's shadow (the unaccepted parts of one's personality), one can create a psychological space between stimulus and response.

Mythology: Many myths depict heroes undergoing trials where they must learn to master their emotions. For example, in Greek mythology, the trials of Hercules can be seen as a metaphor for gaining mastery over the baser instincts and learning to react with reason and strength.

Across these diverse teachings, the common thread is the cultivation of an inner spaciousness that allows for a conscious choice in how to respond to life's challenges.

The ancients and mystics across time clearly believed that by creating a gap between emotions and reactions, one can achieve a state of inner balance and harmony.

It’s about time we heed their advice.

The Road Less Traveled

Embarking on the quest for inner clarity is not for the faint of heart.

It requires the courage to venture into the vast spaces between our thoughts and feelings, and the choices we make in response to them.

This is a sacred journey that many may never even contemplate, let alone begin.

The truth is, the majority of the people you’ll interact with on a regular basis are completely caught up in a zombie-like states of relentless current of reactivity. Self-awareness in the collective is just about as elusive as a whisper in a storm.

What if you could be the calm within the chaos?

What if you could witness the tempest of your thoughts and emotions and choose not to be swept away by their urgent tides?

Imagine the profound transformation that’s waiting for you when you step back and observe, rather than becoming entangled.

This is not about detaching from your humanity; it’s about engaging with it more fully, consciously, and compassionately.

The inescapable tribulations of life—heartbreak, loss, failure—can often feel like they’re just too much to bear.

I get it.

And yet, when we learn to navigate the space between impulse and action, we find the power to shape our reality, to heal our wounds with the salve of consciousness, and to ride the waves of hardship with a newfound grace.

This ‘place in between’ is where true awakening unfolds, where you become the architect of your destiny, not by denying your nature, but by embracing it wholeheartedly.

So, I pose this challenge to you:

Are you ready to find the stillness between your feelings and reactions?

Are you prepared to transform your suffering not by avoidance, but by awareness?

It's a path less traveled, but one that promises liberation from the automaticity of unexamined living.

If you choose to accept this mission, you'll find not only the essence of introspection but the very keys to your spiritual evolution.

You’ll find - and become - the calm within your own storm.

Enlightenment equals Liberation (painting by Nonoy Alcalde)

And now, the links for my paid readers.

At the end of each post, I like to curate some additional links and resources specifically for my paid Substack subscribers. These materials are designed to help you dive deeper into the topics we've discussed in the post and offer practical ways to integrate these insights into your real life.

In this post, the links will include further exploration of the following concepts:

✧ Developing a stoic mindset to better weather life’s emotional storms
✧ A deeper dive on the power of developing a practice of contemplation
✧ Some guided meditations on creating inner stillness
✧ Additional resources exploring these various spiritual and psychological insights

Un-paid readers won’t see anything below this point. If you’d like to unlock these additional resources, consider upgrading your subscription for just $5/month.

[If you’re not quite ready to upgrade, why not take a moment to check out my podcast? It’s free to listen via all major podcast streaming platforms via backfromtheborderline.com. If you subscribe, you’ll get alerted each time I drop new episodes every Tuesday and Thursday.]

And now, onto the additional resources for my paid readers…  

Now that it’s just you and me, here’s the additional goodies. Save a few that sound interesting and make your way through them over this coming month until the next post. 

✧ Article: “Sati & Prosoche: Buddhist vs. Stoic “Mindfulness”
✧ Article: “The Heart of Mysticism is Contemplation”
✧ YouTube: What is Contemplative Prayer and Why is it so Needed?
✧ Podcast: Turning to the Mystics
✧ YouTube: Jac O'Keeffe - Buddha at the Gas Pump Interview
✧ YouTube: Why Introspection Matters
✧ YouTube: Meditation - Being a Kind Witness, with Tara Brach
✧ YouTube: Meditation - Openhearted Presence, with Tara Brach
✧ YouTube: Meditation - Pathway to Inner Peace, with Tara Brach
✧ YouTube: The Art of Effortless Living (Taoist Documentary)

Parting is such sweet sorrow, isn’t it?

These additional goodies should keep you busy until the next one, you emotional deep diver, you.

Ta-ta for now.

-Molls